Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)
by Anonymius
Summary: Legend of the Seeker shortened, parodied and commentated on.
1. Prophecy

**I do not own 'Legend of the Seeker' or anything related.**

* * *

_25th December, Christmas Day_

Commentator: Merry Christmas all you 'Legend of the Seeker' fans! I am the Commentator, and these are my assistants, the Professor-

Professor: How do you do?

Commentator: And Sammy the Slug.

Sammy: Hello!

Commentator: Today we will be taking out humorous take on your beloved series!

Professor: I still have reservations about us doing 'Legend of the Seeker' you know.

Commentator: QUIET YOU! Besides, I checked the 'Legend of the Seeker' section and they still regularly get updates.

Professor: Wait. Seriously? I imagined that most people had forgotten about it by now!

Commentator: Nope. Now, without further ado, here's-

Sammy: BOSS, LOOK! THERE'S A TREE IN OUR GARDEN!

Commentator: Wait, what?

(All go towards the window)

Commentator: Huh. So there is. Wait a minute, we don't even have a garden! OR A WINDOW FOR THAT MATTER! WHAT'S GOING ON?

(The Professor looks through the window with a telescope)

Professor: It appears that some sort of fruit is growing on that tree. Pears I believe.

Commentator: Pears? Oh no, I think I can see where this is heading.

Bird: (Appears from the leaves) Tweet tweet!

Sammy: Boss, look! There's a bird in the tree!

Commentator: Called it!

Professor: Well will you look at that. Food has been delivered to us.

Commentator: PROF! We're not eating the partridge of the pear tree!

Professor: You had us eating nothing but tofu turkey this christmas dinner, I REQUIRE MEAT!

Commentator: Bird isn't me-

Professor: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Commentator: Jeez, why so grouchy? I mean, you don't see Sammy in such a frenzy.

Professor: THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A SLUG, THEY'LL EAT ANYTHING! WHEREAS I AM A-

Commentator: Yes?

Professor: -Well, you see, um-

Commentator: Because as I understand it, humans can survive without meat, right? RIGHT?

Professor: -I'll stay quiet.

* * *

_Welcome to the world of 'Legend of the Seeker', a world where magic rules, where an evil dictator threatens to take over everything, where a hero must stand up against him, and where our female protagonist is fleeing the antagonist's henchmen on horseback in order to defeat him._

Commentator: Is it just me or is this scene reminiscent of a similar one in 'Eragon'?

* * *

_Meanwhile in Westland, a young woodsman named Richard Cypher-_

Commentator: I thought he was supposed to be a woodsguide?

_In this series, he's been made a woodsman instead. You know, to keep the 'ordinary guy becoming a hero' theme going._

Commentator: Oh. Well at least he isn't a farm boy!

Professor: Actually Sir according to some websites he is still a woodsguide.

Commentator: I don't see any guiding here!

_While taking a break from woodcutting (Despite supposedly still being a woodsguide), Richard spots a woman being chased, and goes to rescue her._

"Stay out of this, boy!" Barked one of the soldiers.

"Boy?" Said Richard, perplexed, "I'm twenty-three! And I'm told I look twenty-six!"

"This woman is dangerous!" The leading soldier claimed.

"Four against one, looks to me like she's the one in danger! Okay seriously, who wrote this SCRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPT?"

_Despite falling down a cliff, however, Richard survives, and helps to dispatch most of the soldiers, with the leader, Ranssyn, getting away, and seeing the head of the council._

"What?" Said Michael, shocked, "But the barrier hasn't been down in over a thousand years!"

"You mean twenty-three don't you?" Ranssyn pointed out.

"No I'm pretty sure the texts say a thousand years. Or a thousand generations, it's not very clear."

"THAT'S LIKE TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND YEARS!"

"Oh sure, if you want to be literal."

"-Well anyway, I'm here to capture a dangerous witch."

"Well you are a stranger who may possibly be lying, but I see no reason not to trust you and believe everything you say!"

_While returning home, Richard isn't feeling well._

"Dad-"

"Oh hey son!" His father, George, greeted, "I've just finished setting up the chessboard."

"Dad, I'm not feeling well."

"-Well you definitely sound it. For one thing you keep using a modern word despite this being a medieval world! I mean even in 'Hercules' I'm pretty sure it was never used."

Commentator: I thought I recognised you! You're Jason!

"-What? No, my name's George. George Cypher."

Commentator: No you're not, you're the hero Jason, former king of Argos and/or Corinth! Which I can't help but feel is a huge plot hole somewhere. How nostalgic, I haven't seen you in years!

Professor: Well Sir, this show was created by the same people who produced 'Hercules'.

Commentator: Wow! Makes me think what other old faces we'll probably see! You know, Anonymius once did work on a fantasy novel, that featured the main character and his dad, and one of the complaints made against the novel was 'dad' didn't fit the medieval setting!

_Just then, after telling his (Ahem) dad everything that had happened, Ranssyn and councils guards come to their house._

"Richard, you must go and see Zedd!"

"Zedd? Wasn't he purified by the death of Zordon or something?"

"…That's NOT who I meant, and you know it!"

"Sorry," Richard grinned, "It was too easy to do. Anyway why? That old hermit's just a crazy old man!"

"I thought he was you friend and mentor?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

* * *

"Ah, look at that moon, Clucky!" Zedd was saying to the chicken under his arm, "You know what they say about the moon and madness, don't you? MAAAADNESS!"

"Um, hello?" Kahlan greeted cautiously.

"Oh, hello there! Who are you?"

"My name is Kahlan. I'm a confessor who's looking for- wait, your chicken's name is Clucky?"

"Well she has a real name, but I can't remember what it is, so I'm calling her Clucky in the meantime."

"That sounds like a gross misconduct of infringement. Anyway, I'm here to see the wizard Zedd."

"Hold on, did you say you're a confessor?"

"That's correct."

Zedd stood up straight.

"-Right then, I can finally put some clothes on."

He put the chicken down in order to put on his tunic.

"Wait a minute! you're not actually crazy?"

"Of course not!" Zedd said indignantly.

"Then why are you standing on a rock naked talking to a chicken?"

"To be prepared for any occasion when someone may come across me! Well I have to keep my cover!"

"But-there's no one around!"

"Well, you never know when a stranger might pop up when you least suspect it."

"-Let me get this straight. You keep up the character of a crazy old man, twenty-four seven, just in case of a small chance of a stranger tracking you down when you least suspect it?"

"Yes."

"-Oh. I was thinking it was because you're standing on a Wizard's Rock and that it's best to be naked when on a Wizard's Rock."

"No, nothing like that I'm afraid. The rock's about as meaningless as a friend of mine's tooth that he wears around his neck."

* * *

"Oh great Lord Zedd, we need your assistance," Kahlan pleaded, "The Power Rangers have returned and we need you to use your Z headed staff in order to turn anyone and anything into monsters to defeat them and if that doesn't work make them grow."

Zedd stared at her.

"Sorry," Kahlan apologised, muffling laughter, "I couldn't resist myself."

"Yes, yes, get it out of your system. I'm sure by the next episode you'll overlook any similarity of my name to a Power Rangers villain."

_Around this time Richard came across Zedd, but collapsed. After healing him, Zedd decides to tell the truth about Richard._

"Richard, you are the true Seeker."

"The Seeker? But I don't know anything about Quidditch!"

"Not-that kind-of seeker!" Zedd said through gritted teeth.

"Oh. Right. So, does this mean I have to locate some signs then?"

"Not-that kind-of seeker-either!" Zedd said again through gritted teeth.

"Oh right. Is it the kind that has to find this staff in order to release this monkey man in order to save the world from an evil tyrant- "

"STOP GUESSING!"

"Kay."

"A seeker in this continuity is basically someone who has been prophesied to kill this evil ruler named Darken Rahl."

"-Oh. That's it? A seeker just means I have to kill a dark lord character?"

"Well I did say basically."

" -Huh. I was expecting there to be a little more-well-more to it. I mean if I all need to do is kill this evil person then why am I called the Seeker of TRUTH. What does truth have to do with killing a dark lord?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"Oh. Explain more."

"Okay. Twenty-three years ago, there emerged a prophecy that the Seeker of Truth would be born who would kill the evil king Darken Rahl."

"Whoa whoa wait a minute there. You're actually telling me, that this prophecy, prophesied that I would kill this guy named Darken Rahl- by name?"

"Is there a problem?"

" -Huh. I didn't think prophecies tended to be that – precise. Seriously don't prophecies tend to be a bit more cryptic leading to various interpretations or "interpretations"?"

"What was with the bunny ears?" Kahlan asked.

"Well, when it does say 'the one with the power to vanquish the Darken lord approaches' and that 'neither can live while the other survives' makes it pretty clear what the Seeker has to do and who to kill. Anyway, Darken Rahl learnt of this prophecy after three wise men from the east came inquiring about where the Seeker would be born, for they had come to pay homage to him. After learning of the prophecy Rahl gathered the chief priests and scribes of the people and asked them where the Seeker would be born. They told him in the town of Brennidan, so Rahl ordered the death of all the first-born children in that town."

"This story sounds vaguely familiar," Said Richard.

" I assure you your origin story is a hundred percent original," Zedd attempted to reassure, "Fortunately though I managed to find you and get out of the town before Herod's men came I MEAN DARKEN RAHL'S MEN came to find you."

Commentator: I think you had it right the first time.

"Afterwards I rode out on a donkey and took you to Egypt I MEAN THE WESTLAND!" Zedd quickly corrected himself, "And gave you to George and Mary Cypher."

"Wait a minute! You're telling me that Mum and Dad weren't and aren't my real parents?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Huh. So, you're positive that my mum wasn't really my mum?"

"Trust me Richard, if she was your mother, I would have known it."

"I'm pretty sure she was my mother-"

"NO SHE WASN'T!"

"All right then. So who's my father?"

"-I honestly don't know."

"-Riiiiiiiiiiight. Oh no, oh no, it's not Darken Rahl, PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT DARKEN RAHL?"

"I don't think so," Replied Zedd.

"Well good, because if he is, I'm leaving this series!"

* * *

"So why were those people after Kahlan?" Richard asked.

"They're after the Book of Counted Shadows," Kahlan explained.

"-The Book of Shado-"

"NO!" Kahlan shouted, "This is a book with all sorts of knowledge on magic and serves to explain anything the hero may encounter and how to defeat it on a regular basis."

"-Still sounds like the Book of Shadows to me."

"Listen to me, this book is completely different!"

"How?"

"It just is."

"And the Seeker's weapon is the Sword of Truth, which holds the experience of all Seekers before you." Zedd explained.

"There were other people who were destined to kill Darken Rahl?" Richard asked.

"Sigh, no. It's just you is who is destined to kill Rahl."

"Oh. What about the other Seekers? What did they do?"

"Same thing as you, take down evil dark lord characters."

"Oh. Is that it? It won't give me the power to cut through wood or iron or only harm the guilty or make me feel bad about killing someone unless I use anger to buffer the guilt?"

"-Feel bad about killing a bad guy? HAHA! HAHA! HAHAHAAHAH!"

"I'll take that as a no, then. Does this mean I have to use this sword to kill Rahl?"

"How else are you supposed to defeat him?"

"You know, I should be more disturbed that you just told me that I'm destined to murder this guy."

"Murder's such a strong word."

"NO! That's exactly what it is! Any unlawful killing is by definition MURDER! And just because the guy isn't nice doesn't exactly make it okay to kill him!"

"Think of it more as assassination!"

Silence filled the room.

"That doesn't really make the situation any better does it?"

"Not really, no."

* * *

_When returning home, Richard finds his father dead. Just then his brother Michael also comes across the scene._

"Gasp!" Michael gasped, "Your sword is covered in blood! I must go by the only possible conclusion that you killed our father!"

"-I don't think that's the only possible conclusion-"

"MURDERER!" He shouted.

"How could you possibly come to the conclusion that I killed dad so quickly?"

"…I don't know."

"It was Ranssyn!" Richard accused.

"Hmm, let's see who to believe? My own brother whom I've known for years or this total stranger whose motives he's probably kept secret? Well I think the logical choice is clear."

"Thank you!" Richard thanked.

"GUARDS! SEIZE MY FAKE BROTHER!"

"…..How a man like you ever became First Councillor of Hartland I'll NEVER understand!"

* * *

_After escaping Ranssyn and the council guards, Richard is officially made Seeker by Zedd._

"Are you okay, Richard?" Zedd asked.

"Yeah. Just give me a moment to come to terms with the fact that my life will have to either end in murder or being murdered. Okay, I've come to terms with it!"

_And so begins our hero's epic quest. What more adventures await Richard Cypher, as well as Zedd and Kahlan? Find out next time on 'Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Richard was looking up something on a computer.

"Hey Zedd!" He called.

"Hmm?"

"I've just gone online looking up 'Wizard's First Rule', and there's none of the stuff you said there! No Brennidan, heck no prophecy either! And apparently theirs is more to a seeker than just killing an evil man. AND she was my mother after all!"

"Yes, Sam Raimi decided to make your background resemble more of the general idea of a chosen one," Zedd explained.

"-Let me get this straight. Everything original about me was sucked out, and everything that had been constantly done time after time was pumped in?"

"Richard, please try to understand. Americans love their clichés apparently."

"Is that why the pilot has gotten mixed reviews, for reasons exactly as I stated? AND DARKEN RAHL IS MY FATHER!"

"Maybe they'll change it."

"They'd better!"


	2. Destiny's Bounty at Brennidon

**I do not own Legend of the Seeker or anything related.**

* * *

_28th December, 2012_

Commentator: Welcome back my ordinary and Seeker wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!

Phone: RING RING!

Commentator: Now who could that be? Wait, I didn't know we even had a phone!

(Picks it up)

Caller: TWEET TWEET!

(Line goes dead)

Commentator: What the? Anyway, Our first and only review so far is from

Phone: RING RING!

(The Commentator picks it up again)

Caller: TWEET TWEET!

(Line goes dead again)

Commentator: Who the? Anyway, as I was saying, our first and only review is from Paracosm:

LOL! So funny and lots of good points.

Why thank you, Paracosm! And -

Phone: RING RING!

(The Commentator picks it up again)

Caller: TWEET TWEET!

Commentator: Stop calling me!

(Slams down the phone)

Ahem, and without further ado, here's -

Phone: RING RING!

(The Commentator picks it up for the fourth time)

Caller: TWEET TWEET!

Commentator: LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU STORKER!

Professor, Sir, don't you mean 'Stalker'?

Commentator: I think I'm closer! Anyway, here's the latest chapter, 'Destiny's Bounty at Brennidon'!

* * *

_While on their way to the boundary, our heroes encounter a group of angry villagers, who accuse Zedd and Kahlan of witchcraft. In the ensuring fight, Kahlan's pixie friend takes a metaphorical bullet for Richard._

"Zedd!" Richard shouted, "Why didn't you just do a Granny Weatherwax and use Headology or something to make them think they lost their manhood?

"…DAMNIT!" Zedd realised, "That's what I should have done!"

"Oh no!" Kahlan shrieked, "My cute little pixie friend is dead!"

Zedd looked particularly guilty.

"Oh well, I'm sure she was dying anyway after opening the Boundary!" He reasoned.

"No!" Kahlan shouted, "She Wasn't!"

Zedd continued to look guilty.

"…Oh," He said, "Right."

* * *

"So that's the boundary?" Richard asked, "It's all green and moaning."

"Oh yes it leads to the Underworld," Zedd explained.

"It does?" Richard asked with enthusiasm, "Hey, I hear what undoubtedly must be my mum and dad since it leads to the underworld!"

Richard runs towards the Boundary.

"I probably should have mentioned that there are also shadow people who mimic the voices of loved ones," Zedd said to himself, "You know I kinda was expecting him to resist more," He said to Kahlan.

_Zedd manages to save Richard from the shadow people, but is left dying in the process._

"No," Said Richard, "You know what? No. Too many people have died for my sake; I'm not going to let anyone else die."

"Well, you know, great wizard mentor archetypical characters don't tend to last have a long life expectancy," Kahlan reasoned.

* * *

_Along their journey our heroes meet up with an old friend of Richard's, named Chase._

"So you don't believe that I killed my dad?" Richard asked.

"Richard," Chase began, "just because your brother's a moron doesn't mean that everyone else is!"

* * *

"So now that you've all eaten and rested, shall we go recover this book of yours?" Chase asked.

"No Chase, you need to protect your family," Richard said.

"Wh-WHAT? Bu-but I thought I was supposed to come along with you on your journey?"

"Come again?"

"You know that in a band of heroes each character has a specific function! You know, you're the hero, Zedd's the brains, I'm the brawn, Kahlan's the cleavage -"

"HEY!" Kahlan protested.

"Oh you are and you know it!"

* * *

_Later that day Richard and Kahlan have a final showdown with Ranssyn and other D'Haran soldiers._

"You know what this means, right?" Richard asked Kahlan.

"300 styled slow motion battle?"

"300 styled slow motion battle!"

_In the midst of the 300 styled slow motion battle, however, the book gets destroyed._

"What?" Said Kahlan, "No! But I thought the book of counted shadows was supposed to be crucial!"

"I guess a Seeker doesn't need a manual to complete his quest!" Said Zedd.

"You know, I'm pretty sure that the book was supposed to be important in stopping Rahl in the final -"

"The Seeker - does not need - a manual!" Zedd repeated.

* * *

_Next episode our heroes come across a group of people who want to capture Richard for the huge bounty on his head, but are saved by a girl named Lilly._

"Why did you save us?" Richard asked.

"I need your help! My brother is being held captive by a creature called the Shadrin!"

"And why do you think I'm the only one who can help you?"

Lilly appeared taken aback by this question.

"…Because….you're the Seeker!"

"- So, being destined to kill this guy automatically makes me a monster killer?"

"Yeah, totally!"

"Well you clearly only saved us just to get the bounty for yourself or something. But I see no reason not to trust you or suspect that you are leading me into a trap."

* * *

"Oh no! It was a trap!" Richard despaired, "And I didn't see it coming!"

Commentator: Wait. You – how could – how where? How - AAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Bashes his head into the side of the cart)

Professor: Congratulations, Richard Cypher. You are now officially the second person ever to cause Sir to drive his head into something solid.

"Really? Who was the first?"

Professor: Hiro Nakamura.

Commentator: (Breathes harshly a couple of times) I'm okay. I'm okay. I am perfectly composed – (looks at Richard) GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Continues to bash his head into the cart, causing it to fall apart)

"Hey I'm free! Thanks – whoever you are!"

* * *

_Meanwhile Lilly's brother Liam is being held prisoner when the head guard offers him some food._

"I'm sorry I hit you. I was trying to look good in front of my men. Here, have a drumstick. It will be our little secret."

"Well this can't possibly be a trick. I accept."

Liam tries to take the drumstick, but the Head Guard takes it away.

"MWAHAHAHA!" He cackles, "Fool! We're going to hang you, not feed you!"

"Aw, man! You know, I kinda preferred you when you came across as this three-dimensional, complex character, rather than a 2D, cliché mwahahaha villain!"

"Sigh. Me too, kid. Me too."

"…You're just f**king with me again, aren't you?"

"Damn straight I am! Mwahahahaha! I love being traditional and only having two dimensions! It means I'm slimmer than most people!"

* * *

_Meanwhile Zedd is arguing with a mapmaker, who created a map that can track Richard._

"You know I used to be a warrior," The mapmaker was complaining, "Joxer the mighty they used to call me! Now look at me. I'm just a one-off character!"

"You mean you used to work for kings, don't you?" Zedd pointed out.

"Sure, why not."

* * *

_Later that day Kahlan catches up with Richard and Lilly._

"You bitch! I was almost eaten by that Shadrin of yours no thanks to you."

"Wait. The Shadrin's real? I thought I made it up?"

"The claw marks in my one and only white dress say otherwise!"

"Hold on. You make up this monster, and it just happens to be where you said it was?"

"What, you never read 'The Gruffalow'?" Said Lilly

_And so Lilly teams up with our heroes in order to save her brother by leading the D'Haran soldiers into a trap, incidently a similar trap to the one Lilly led Kahlan in except she's now aware of the man-eating monster._

* * *

"We've been trapped!" Yells a D'Haran soldier.

"You know I heard that there was some kind of monster in this cave," Says another D'Haran soldier.

"Don't worry men," The Head Guard assured them, "The Shadrin should be on a level of the cave below us so as long as we remain up here we'll be fine OH NO, THE SHADRIN HAS SOMEHOW GOT ON THIS LEVEL AND HAS INSTANTLY MET US! You know maybe I should have been a complex, conflicted character instead of a cliché, ruthless soldier AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

"Hooray!" Zedd cheered, "We saved the day! And all we needed to do was commit a little murder!"

"Wow," Said Kahlan, "I can't believe we pulled that off! I mean if this was 'Robin Hood' we'd have failed and Lilly's brother would be dead by now!"

"Then it's a good thing we're not a British TV show then!" Richard pointed out.

* * *

_Next episode Richard is off hunting with some hunters._

"Hey, what's that down there?" Richard asked, pointing down to a town below."

"Oh. Down there is Bethlehem," A hunter told him.

"You mean Brennidon, don't you?" Richard asked.

"Potato, tomato!" Replied the hunter.

_And so Richard goes down to investigate, where he encounters a farmer in front of a cemetery._

"If the Seeker is alive then why hasn't he been around?" Reasons the farmer.

"Well maybe the Seeker has been in a country on the other side of the boundary and didn't even know he was the Seeker until a couple of weeks back, have you ever thought of that?"

The farmer looked gobsmacked.

"Errr," He stammered.

"No," Richard continued, "you just went ahead and -"

"Are you the Seeker?" The farmer asked.

Richard was taken aback.

"- What? No -"

The Farmer gasped.

"Only the true Seeker would deny his chosenity!" He said.

Richard stared at him.

" - WHAT? What chance does that give me? All right then, I am the Seeker!"

"You are? THAT'S FANTASTIC!"

The farmer dropes his rake.

"Wait til I tell everybody!"

And he runs off, with Richard staring after him.

"Zedd is not going to be happy with me."

* * *

_Later that day after saving a woman from being executed, the D'Haran soldiers try to arrest Richard, who escapes them thanks to a mysterious woman._

"Who are you?" Richard asked.

"Richard," Said the woman, "Look at you. I can't believe you're all grown up."

Richard studied the woman. Could she be...?

" -Are you my mother?"

" - What?"

"Are you my mother?"

"Er, sure, why not."

"MUMMY!" Richard cried as he hugged his mother.

Sammy: Oh my! That woman is Richard's mother! What a shocking twist!

_And so, Bridget tells Richard all about his father, Owen._

"So Darken Rahl ISN'T my father! Phew! That's a relief."

"I'm sure no one wants to have Darken Rahl as their father."

"Oh it's not that. Can you believe all the 'Star Wars' parallels that could have been made if that was true? Hey, hold on! Owen? I thought everyone in the midlands had fantasy names and it's only in the Westland where you had actual names like Richard or George or Luke?"

_Just then Bridget's other son comes in._

"Hey! I have a brother! And he even looks a bit like my old one. That's a little disturbing."

Sammy: Gasp, oh my! Richard has a brother! What a shocking twist!

* * *

_Meanwhile, an old flame of Zedd's introduces a boy to him._

"He's your son," Sylvia shockingly reveals.

"WHA?" Zedd gasped.

Sammy: Gasp! OH MY GOD! ZEDD HAS A SON! WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST!

Commentator: Groan. All these plot twists are making me feel ill.

"I agree," Said Zedd, "It's far too ridiculous that someone else has a secret relation. Let's do a test."

* * *

_Back at Brennidon, the D'Haran soldiers track Richard down, who is led away by his brother._

"By the way, I wholeheartedly trust you even though you want to give me to the D'harans."

"That's good to hear."

* * *

"Oh no! I've been betrayed by my brother! Again! And how is it that I keep falling for these traps?"

Commentator: Well, you know Wizard's First Rule! "People will believe a lie if they want it to be true, or are afraid it might be true"!

"Is that why I keep falling for people's deceptions? But isn't the reason given as to why people do that is because they're-"

Commentator: Well that bit has been left out by the writers so it probably isn't true in this series!

* * *

_Later that day the mothers of the first-born of Brennidon are all rounded up, in order to get the mother of the Seeker to confess and get him out of hiding._

"I am the mother of the Seeker, and I am proud of it! And him."

Commentator: Groan, it looks like she really is his mother. No fake mother would stand up and declare it like this.

Another woman stood up.

"No I am the Seeker's mother!" She declared.

And another woman stood up.

"No I am the Seeker's mother!" She also declared.

Soon other women were standing up as well.

"No I am the Seeker's mother!"

"No I am the Seeker's mother!"

"No I'm Spartacus! I mean the Seeker's mother!"

"SHH!" Whispered the previous woman, "Don't make the reference so painfully transparent than it already is!"

Commentator: Honestly, who didn't see this coming?

_Despite this, however, Richard manages to save his mother, and free the town of Brennidon from The D'Haran soldiers._

"Phew!" Richard phewed, "You know, for a minute there I thought you were a gonna. I mean usually when a main character finds their long-lost parent they tend to die in that episode. It's nice to know that I'll always have a parent to visit Mum -"

"Richard," Said Zedd, who had just arrived on the scene, "Why did you just call your mother's midwife 'Mum'?"

"MIDWIFE?" Everyone exclaimed.

Bridget had a guilty look.

"Uh, yeah," She said guiltily, her eyes shifting from side to side, "I'm not really your mother. So sorry for the deception."

Richard just stared at her.

"WHA?" He gaped.

Sammy: OH MY GOD! BRIDGET ISN'T RICHARD'S MOTHER! WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST!

Commentator: I think I'm gonna be sick!

* * *

"Okay," Richard said slowly, "Explain to me again. WHY did you impersonate my mother?"

"It's nothing I intended to do!" Bridget tried to explain, "It's just when you ask me if I was your mother, it just-well-came out. It just so happens that I had a son who was killed with the others at the time of your birth."

Richard could not believe what he was hearing.

"So you just went along with the farce? Telling your real son about his fake brother and even claiming to be the mother of the seeker which was a death sentence?"

"Well what would you have done?"

"I know what I wouldn't have done. NOT claim to be someone I'm not!"

_And so, at the end of this adventure, Zedd says something to Kahlan._

"Richard can never know that I am his grandfather!"

Sammy: GASP! ZEDD IS RICHARD'S GRANDFATHER! WHAT A SHOCKING-

(The Commentator vomits all over Sammy).

_What further adventures await our heroes? Find out next time on 'Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Sammy: Hey Prof!

Professor: Hmm?

Sammy: Wouldn't this be the third official time someone drove Boss to drive his head into something solid?

Professor: What are you talking about, Sam?

Sammy: Didn't Smallville Clark Kent manage to do the same thing?

Professor: Ah yes, I forgot.

Commentator: Thank you for reminding me about that, Sam!


	3. Listener's Elixir of Identity

**I do not own 'Legend of the Seeker or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my ordinary and seeker wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)'. Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!

(The Professor does so, and out pops an envelope).

Commentator: Right then! Our review comes from 'Procasm':

Well as I did mention to him in our last chapter people will believe a lie if they want it to be true, or are afraid it might be true! So anyway, here's our latest chapter, 'Listener's Elixir of Identity'!

* * *

"Hello Zedd," Greeted Sister X, "It's been a while."

"Greetings, Sister X," Zedd greeted, "I've brought along this boy with a unique gift for you to take in and teach how to control his power for the benefit of mankind, because apparently that's one of the things you sisters do!"

"Well I hope he wasn't any trouble at all!"

Zedd thinks back to the previous events of the episode.

"Oh no! No trouble at all!"

"Let me guess. He started off as unlikable before a life changing experience and some words from the main character changed him?"

"- How did you know?"

"It's cliche plot number 19."

* * *

_After this adventure our heroes come across a town where magic is being given out to ordinary folk._

"Richard," Kahlan complained, "magic shouldn't be given out freely for the benefit of everyone!"

"- Why not?" Richard asked.

"Because it shouldn't!"

"But why?"

"Because it shouldn't!"

"You're really not explaining the moral or ethical problems of not using magic for everyday use you know."

* * *

_While at an inn, the bartender takes a look at what's hanging around Richard's neck._

"By the way, what is the significance of this pendant?" She asked.

"I'm not sure," Richard answered, "In the book it was a significant key of this book that was significant to the story, but now I think it's just a meaningless prop with no importance to the story."

* * *

_Later that day Zedd comes face to face with the man behind giving everyone magic._

"Jeziah! Magic shouldn't be accessible to everyone!" Zedd attempted to reason.

"Why not?" Jeziah asked.

"Because it shouldn't!"

"Why not?"

"Because it shouldn't!"

"But why? What's the big downside?"

Zedd groaned, putting a finger to his chin.

"How do I explain this?" He said to himself.

* * *

_Thanks to a magic potion given to him by the bartender, Richard is able to track down Zedd and defeat Jeziah._

"So in the end," Richard stated, "I learned that magic is neither wholly bad or good. Did that really needed to be stated?"

"No I guess not."

* * *

_Next episode our heroes come across a town where a son of a friend of Kahlan's is getting married._

"Man," Richard was saying to himself, "how I'd love to have a life like Gryff and just settle down somewhere with a wife and not worry about saving the world."

"Greetings, Richard Cypher."

"WAH!"

He drew his sword at the stranger.

"Wh-who are you?"

"I am Shota, and I have something very important to tell you."

"Does it concern my waxed body which is completely out of place with a medieval society?"

"No. I am here to warn you that your attempt to attack Demmin Nass will lead to your death, and should you die, no one will be able to defeat Darken Rahl."

"Okay. But since I'm now prepared for the worst, does that mean the future has changed?"

"…Hold on let me check."

And she vanished.

* * *

"No, you still die," She informed after returning.

"Okay. I'm a little more prepared now. Has the future changed?"

"Hold on let me check."

And she vanished again.

* * *

"No," She announced after returning again.

"Okay. How about-"

"Look, it doesn't matter how prepared you are, you may possibly die and there is nothing you can do to stop it."

"Wait. Possibly?"

"Well yes, this is only a possible future of course."

"- What do you mean by 'possible'?"

"You know. There is no set future because people's choices are always random."

"- Really? I always thought that people made choices according to the type of person they are as opposed to mentally flipping a coin in their heads."

"…Sh*t. I hadn't thought of that. There goes the idea of random choice which has been a possible basis for predicting the future in many fantasy and sci-fi shows. In any case just because something may go wrong doesn't mean you just ignore the possibility. I mean if you were planning to snowboard down a mountain you wouldn't ignore the possibility that you may die just because it's a 'possible future', do you?"

"Well actually-? In any case, in spite of your warnings I'm going to fight Dennim Nass anyway."

"I can see that I'm not going to have any luck convincing you otherwise, so I hope you won't mind when I switch your appearance with someone else to die in your stead."

"You do that."

"Oh and as for your unusually and unmanly hairless body, I wouldn't worry about it. You'll be clothed most of the time and even though you seemed to show off your chest in early episodes, viewers won't see much of it till the point next year when you'll get a tighter tunic."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Cried female and gay viewers.

"However there will be a few instances where you'll be semi-naked."

"YAY!" Female and gay viewers cheered, "Wait, semi? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"And in many of those instances you'll be bound and gagged."

The female and gay viewers gasped, with some passing out from sheer joy.

"I take it that seeing the future is something you do a lot, right?" Asked Richard.

"I also have the power to break the fourth wall," Shota told him.

"Pfft, like that's an impressive power in a parody where we're all aware that we're in a parody!"

"Yes, But are you aware of the person typing our words as we speak?"

"- What person?"

"Didn't think so. Be seeing you."

POOF

"Gee, what a nice lady!" Richard said to himself, "And not so bad looking either. Wait, what was that about 'changing identities'?"

* * *

Meanwhile Gryff was wielding a sword, pretending to be a Seeker.

"Look at me fighting with a pretend sword and imagining myself as a hero like a giant child!" He said to himself.

"Greetings, Gryff."

"AH!" Gryff cried, seeing the woman who came out of nowhere, "Wh-who are you? And how much did you see?"

"Enough. I am Shota, and I am here to make your greatest dream come true."

Gryff looked excited.

"- Wow! I wasn't expecting this!"

"- Come again?"

"Wait, is no one else here? Huh. So this must be a private performance!"

"I don't understand."

"Well, you are the stripper, right?"

"What?"

"I mean, I'm getting married tomorrow and I didn't think the guys were going to throw me a bachelors' party, where I get to enjoy my last moments as a free man!"

"No. I'm not a stripper."

"Oh, you're in character, are you? Okay then, I'll let you carry on!"

Gryff sat down, watching the woman.

" -Riiiiiiiiiight. Anyway, as I was saying , I have come to give you Richard Cypher's destiny by switching places with him. You'll look like him and he'll look like you, and no one will be able to tell the difference -"

"Oh, so you're an enchantress!"

"- A witch, actually."

"Oh. I would have preferred a naughty healer or a servant girl or even a mord-sith, but no, a witch is fine."

"Do you understand Gryff?"

"Er yeah sure. So are you going to start taking off your clothes soon or what?"

"Goodbye, Gryff."

POOF

"Hey, where's my naked female skin?"

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

* * *

"Richard, what is Gryff doing with your sword?" Kahlan asked Gryff.

"Richard? What are you-?"

Gryff sees his reflection.

"WAH! What the-?"

He studied his hands, recognising them to be Richard's.

"The stripper was telling the truth!"

"What?" Kahlan asked.

"Nothing! Oh I just lent it to Gryff. You know, because of how much he wants to be a seeker."

"Well that was a nice sentiment, Richard," Zedd said, "but the sword should only be wielded by the seeker."

He used his magic to pull the sword out of Richard's hands.

"Zedd, what are you doing?" Richard demanded, "I'm Richard, that's Gryff!"

Why is Gryff claiming to be Richard? Both Zedd and Kahlan think.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen," announced the priest overseeing the wedding, "we are gathered here today to join these two souls in holy matrimony in the eyes of the spirits. Or the creator. I'm not entirely sure what power is over seeing this ceremony, religion's rather vague at this point! And let it be known that if there's a slight chance that the wrong groom is getting married that the marriage is binding regardless."

* * *

"Er, Zedd, we have a slight problem," Kahlan said.

"What do you mean?" Zedd asked.

"This isn't Richard," Kahlan told him, gesturing to Richard.

"What? Of course it is! If it isn't Richard then who could-?"

He thought back to earlier that day.

* * *

"Richard, what is Gryff doing with your sword?" Kahlan asked.

"Oh I just lent it to Gryff," Richard told her.

"Well that was a nice sentiment, Richard," Zedd said, "but the sword should only be wielded by the Seeker."

Zedd used his magic to pull the sword out of Gryff's hands.

"Zedd, what are you doing?" Gryff demanded, "I'm Richard, that's Gryff!"

* * *

"Oh my spirits he was telling the truth. Kahlan! Why couldn't you tell Gryff was lying?"

"What?"

"You're supposed to be an infallible lie detector, it's why we have you on board! What you think you're just here to be the love interest Who Richard can never have thereby causing drama?"

Commentator: Pfft. Some wizard of the first order and confessor you two turned out to be! You couldn't even tell there was a fake Richard among you!

"Gryff, who did this to you?" Zedd asked.

"I'm not sure. Someone pretending to be a stripper."

* * *

_Thankfully though Richard was able to meet up with his friends, Gryff was saved, their appearances switched, and conveniently both he and his betrothed fell in love with each other and ran off._

"You know it was really convenient that the two people forced into a marriage turned out to like each other after all! Do you think that kinda justifies arranged marriages?" Richard asked Zedd.

"What, there's a slight chance that two people who don't even know each other forced into a marriage may turn out to love each other!" Zedd replied.

"And it's the slightness that worries me."

"You do realise though that legally you are still married to her and that by letting her run off with Gryff they're basically committing adultery, don't you?" Zedd pointed out.

"Look, can't we just pretend the right pair got married?" Richard begged.

"Greetings, Seeker trio."

"Wahh!" The Seeker Trio exclaimed.

"How does she keep doing that?" Richard asked.

" Shota!" Zedd shouted, "You witch!"

"Zedd! That's not a nice thing to call someone!" Kahlan complained.

"No it's true I am a witch," Shota explained, "And by the way I find your assumption that being a witch is a bad thing most offensive."

"...I'll stay quiet," Kahlan replied sheepishly. Richard pointed at her.

" That's the woman who switched mine and Gryff's appearances! Zedd, you know this woman?" He asked.

"Only too well. She is not to be trusted. And what's this about you doubling as a stripper?" He asked Shota.

"I am going to pretend that I didn't hear you say that," was her reply, "I have come to give you a message about a prophecy."

"Is this another premonition?" Richard asked.

"No, that is not the same. A premonition is merely a possible outcome. A prophecy is set in stone, it cannot be changed."

"Why?"

"- Why what?"

"Well, why can what a premonition behold be changed, but not a prophecy? I mean apart from the fact that a prophecy sounds more fancy, they're both seeing the future, what is it about a prophecy that can't be changed while a premonition can?"

"Because shut up."

"I guess you could say that a premonition only foretells the variable whereas the prophecy foretells the constant, right Shota?" Zedd asked.

"Um, sure, why not."

I knew it was a mistake to introduce him to 'Lost'! Thought Richard.

"Anyway," Shota continued, "I come with a warning. Beware the woman in white."

"You mean La Llorona?" Richard asked.

"What? No, that woman in white! The one I'm pointing my finger at!"

"All I see you pointing at is Kahlan. Oh. right. And what was with that dramatic music?"

"Adds drama, of course."

"Jeez. Could you be anymore of a rip-off of Little Kuriboh's take on Ishizu Ishtar?"

"Wait in about six seconds when you're cut off by the italic narrator guy."

"-What the underworld are you talking abou-"

_Will Shota's prophecy come to pass? Will Kahlan betray Richard? Could it be that it refers to a different person altogether in white? Find out next time on Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)!_

* * *

Richard: Hey Zedd! There's something interesting I noticed about this episode!

Zedd: What's that?

Richard: Well, the actor who played Gryff once played a power ranger. And the actress who played also played a power ranger. And you're nicknamed Zedd so- (Muffles laughter)

Zedd: Yes, yes, laugh it up. Get it out of your system!

Kahlan: Hold on. We had former power rangers on this show? I thought they just fall back into obscurity after enjoying their brief moment of fame unless they dub anime or play the same character years later?

Richard: No, that really applies to most of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, the Alien Rangers, the Lost Galaxy Rangers, Ninja Storm, Dino Thunder, SPD and Mystic Force.

Zedd: Interestingly enough Richard your brother Michael was also a power ranger.

Richard: Oh. (suppressing a grin) Is that why you two never got along?

Zedd: Shut up!

* * *

Shota: I predict that before this series finishes Anonymius will be ripping off jokes from somebody else's popular abridged series. You know the one.


	4. Denna's Puppeteer of Confession

"Richard," Kahlan confided, "I'm so afraid of betraying you, after what Shota said about the woman in white. And I don't think me changing my dress is enough to avert the prophecy."

"I was wondering why you were wearing green all of a sudden," Richard remarked.

"So maybe it's best that another confessor takes my place."

"Wait. There are OTHER confessors? I gained the impression you were the only one left?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"I don't know, I think I read it somewhere! But Kahlan, you can't go!"

"Richard, I don't want to end up betraying you! Alsoidon'twanttoendupdestroyingyoubytakingawayyour identitybyhavingsexwithyou."

"Wait, what was that last bit?"

"Nothing!"

"I think Kahlan's right," Zedd added.

"ZEDD!" Richard exclaimed.

"What, after that whole Gryff fiasco I think we might need a better confessor!"

* * *

"Welcome, Richard Cypher," Denna greeted, "to your first day of training! Here we will break you down, until you become a loyal slave to me."

"You know, I'm not really into this sort of thing," Richard told her.

"-What?"

"Just warning you, I'm not really a bondage guy."

"-THIS ISN'T SOME SEXUAL GAME!"

"Suuuure it isn't. You're just dressed in leather, have me tied up, have a series of torture devices and wanting me to call you Mistress-"

"SILENCE!"

WHO-PAH! cracked the whip.

"Oh yeah. You're totally not a dominatrix!"

"No, I'm not."

"-You're not?"

"No."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Oh. I mean phew! Yeah, dodged an arrow there!"

"However, there will probably be sexual undertones."

"Oo!"

"SUBTLE sexual undertones."

"Oh. Aww."

* * *

"Richard has been captured by the Mord-Sith!" Zedd exclaimed.

Sammy: Well that can't be right! There's only ever two of them, and there were loads of these girls!

"Not-Sith," Zedd said through gritted teeth, "Mord-Sith. Leather clad catsuit wearing women with cruciatus inducing rods who can turn all magic against their opponents and who specialise in torturing and breaking down men in order to make them loyal to them."

Commentatator: So basically they're magical dominatrixes?

"Pretty much, yeah. Also they have a reputation for being the one thing Sam Raimi hasn't butchered with his artistic license."

* * *

"Hah!" Richard mocked, "You don't scare me! I know that Rahl wants me alive!"

"I take it you've never read the books, have you Richard?" Denna asked him.

"Not really, no," Richard admitted, "Although I feel like I should, cos I got the impression from reading the synopsis of Wizard's First Rule online that they make this series look complete and utter GAK!"

"Didn't think so," Denna replied after stopping Richard's heart with her agiel.

* * *

"Welcome back to the world of the living, Richard," Denna greeted him.

"….You mean that figuratively, don't you?" Richard asked her.

"Oh no, you were definitely dead. It just so happens though that we Mord-Sith have the power of the breath of life, which we can use to revive the recently deceased."

"- You girls can bring back those who have died? That sounds like a potentially dangerous concept to introduce in a tv series."

"Oh don't worry. In the book we can only do it by taking in our trainee's last dying breath then breathing it back into them. Kinda like a mystical version of CPR."

"- Oh. Well if that's all it is then we should have no prob-"

"Of course in this series it's been augmented to allow us to bring anyone who recently died as long as they're still warm and their body's intact."

"-How recent?"

"It's not firmly established."

"- Like I said. DANGEROUS. Concept."

* * *

_However thanks to Kahlan's efforts Richard is saved from Denna, and after reuniting with Zedd continue on their journey._

"There it is, men!" Zedd declared, pointing to the city, "I mean man and woman. Tamarang. If we can get the last box of Orden from there, then we can stop Darken Rahl."

"Okay, remind me again," Richard asked, "What are the boxes or Orden?"

"-Why, they're the macguffin of this show of course!" Zedd answered him, "And if Rahl gets his hands on all three, then he will have absolute power!"

"You mean because one contains the power to control life, another contains the power to end life and the third will end up killing the user?" Richard sought to clarify.

"-What? No, nothing as complex and interesting as that!" Zedd answered, "You just put them together and they enable you to control everyone like some kind of super confessor! They don't need to be opened or anything!"

" - So, basically their essence was sucked out and altered so that they appear more "exciting"?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"-Just like everything else on this damn show."

BA DUM CH

"-Anyway, we need to infiltrate the castle in order to get the box. And I have a plan…."

* * *

"Huh. Well this princess seems particularly difficult to please," Zedd said to himself, "However, I have an act that cannot fail to please!"

When it was his turn, Zedd took off his sock and put it on his hand.

"Hello, Princess!" Zedd said in a voice that was meant to be the sock's, "Happy Birthday!"

The Princess looked surprised.

Commentator: Don't tell me she's actually impressed with that sock!

"Guards! Off with his head!" The princess shouted.

Professor: No, she was just in shock with how awful it was.

_Despite this, however, Zedd managers to get himself hired as a puppeteer, where he later comes face to face with Darken Rahl._

"You know, you look familiar," Rahl was saying, "Wait a minute, were you in 'Lord of the Rings'!"

"Why yes, actually. I'm surprised you recognised me though, I was heavily make uped and the time and I only had a small part- and was only featured in the extended version-"

"That's funny, though, because I only know two people in this series who were in 'Lord of the Rings'. One is myself, and the other is a certain wizard of the first order who shares his name with a power rangers villain."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, WILL PEOPLE STOP CONFUSING ME WITH ZEDD? I mean I know I was tolerant at first but this is just getting aw crap."

"Gotcha!"

"Damn!"

_In spite of his cover getting blown, however, Zedd manages to retrieve the last box of Orden. Next episode, Kahlan and Richard seek to free Kahlan's sister with the former dressed up as a Mord-Sith and the latter as her prisoner._

"SILENCE, SLAVE!" Kahlan commanded after Richard made an act of faux protest.

"Yes Mistress," Richard answered.

Huh, Kahlan thought to herself, that's odd. Why am I enjoying this more than I should?

Why is having Kahlan with a leash around my neck turning me on? Richard thought to himself.

_Kahlan and Richard manage to save Denee, who was with child, and, joining with a number of other surviving confessors, manage to deliver the baby._

"Good news!" Richard announced, "It's a boy, a health baby boy!"

"A boy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kahlan's sister wailed.

"What? What's so wrong about it being a boy?"

"Richard, do you know why there are no female confessors?" Zedd asked him.

"To be honest I didn't give it much thought. I just assumed that the power was only passed to females."

"Oh no, there is a there are male confessors. The thing is though, they kinda go er evil."

"Evil? Is this like the sexist bullsh*t on 'Charmed' where male witches are more likely to become warlocks just because they have a y chromosome?"

"Oh no, there is a reason for it. You see the confessing power manifests differently in males."

"You mean that unlike female confessors who need a resting period males don't need one and therefore are more seduced by their power?"

"What? No, nothing like that!"

"Oh! Then, what is it?"

"Males just can't control their power."

"What you mean that everything they touched becomes instantly confessed? Cos isn't there a chance a male might rather go into seclusion rather than become consumed by power-"

"What? No, nothing like that either!"

"-What? Then what do you mean by 'male confessors can't control their power'?"

"-What do you mean what do I mean? Male Confessors can't control their power and it warps their personalities!"

"-Okay, now this is sounding like the prejudicial bullsh*t found in 'Smallville' where the writers just made everyone with kryptonite powers evil just because they couldn't be bothered anymore to give reasons as to why they went evil."

_And so after an episode of debating whether to kill this child or not, the baby is saved with the Mother Confessor killed in the process._

"It has been decided that Kahlan will be the new mother confessor," One of the remaining Confessors stated.

"That seems right somehow," Richard remarked.

_And so Legend of the Seeker becomes one step closer to being like the novel. What further adventures await our heroes? Find out next time on 'Legend of the Seeker Abridged (With Commentary)'!_


	5. Confession of Home

**I do not own 'Legend of the Seeker' or anything related.**

* * *

"I'm sorry Zedd, I've got to go," Kahlan explained, "Friends of mine who are members of the Resistance are in trouble!"

"Hold on," Said Richard, "There's a resistance?"

Kahlan looked at him as if he asked if there were people living in the land.

"Richard," Said Kahlan patiently, "This is a show about a brutal, despotic tyrant. Of course there's a Resistance!"

"Oh that's okay," Zedd told her, "Richard can go with you. I'll just spend time in a subplot with my mother and brother."

"Good spirits," Richard gasped, "Your mother's still alive? She has to be like ancient now!"

"Richard Cypher," Zedd replied sternly, "Show some respect to your- elderly members of your world. Besides, despite my advanced age and the fact that it's been years since I've seen her, I'm pretty sure that my mother is-"

* * *

"Dead," Thaddicus told him, "She's been dead. She's been dead for five years. Honestly Zedd did you really expect her to be alive? Even if she was she'd be a hundred now. Two at least."

"Well excuse me for being optimistic that my mother was still alive."

* * *

_At the Resistance town, Richard and Kahlan interrogate a suspect._

"That man wasn't lying," Kahlan said.

"How can you tell?" Asked Richard.

"Because I can tell when someone is lying or not."

Richard stared at her.

"- Since when could you do that?" He exasperated.

"Oh, since ever," Kahlan replied off-handed, "One of the things a Confessor is taught is how to tell when someone is lying."

"Huh. Funny how that never played during that time when my appearance was switched with Gryff's when he was LYING about being me whereas I was telling the truth!"

"Look, are you or Zedd ever going to let that go? Besides, I can't just glance at someone and tell if they're lying or not! I have to be right close to them in order to do that?"

Richard frowned at her, nodding.

"Okay, then why couldn't you tell Gryff was lying about how he knew about the history of the Seekers?"

"Because shut up."

"-You picked that phrase from Shota, didn't you?"

"What, it's catchy!"

* * *

"Declan's a great guy, isn't he?" Richard asked Nella.

"What? Oh yeah," She answered.

As they talk, Declan is tiptoeing in the background.

"Really trustworthy."

* * *

"I can't believe that Nella was behind all this!" Said Kahlan.

"Yeah, me neither," Says Richard, "And neither can she, apparently. So I take it we're not going to even consider the possibility that she had a false memory implanted in her mind like me and Niles?"

"No apparently. Hey wait a minute! Declan has scratches on his neck. And you scratched your attacker!"

"Yeah! And Nella can't believe what she had done! And we know that about this orb that can implant false memories and that Declan is obviously trustworthy so-"

"Hmmmm," Richard and Kahlan both say, placing their fingers onto their chins.

SIXTY HOURS LATER

"Oh my spirits!" They exclaimed, "Declan was the one behind all this!"

Commentator: You only just realised that? That was bloody obvious forty-five minutes ago! And that's not including the gag!

"Quick," Says Richard, "there may be still time save Nella before she's-"

Commentator: No, too late.

"What?" gasped Richard and Kahlan.

Commentator: You took so long working out the bloody obvious that they already executed her!

"Nuts!" Exclaimed Richard, "Oh well, there may be still time catch Declan and turn him-"

Commentator: No, he made a runner after the execution realising that you two had worked it out.

"DAMNIT!"

* * *

"So, how was the episode?" Zedd asks.

"I don't want to talk about it," was Richard and Kahlan's unanimous reply.

"Well I for one had a great time at the farm where I grew up."

"Hold on!" Said Richard, "You grew up on a farm? I always imagined you growing up in some kind of wizarding fortress!"

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"I'm not sure, I think I read it somewhere."

* * *

"WAH!" Richard shouted, "Oh, it was all a dream! Wait. What was all a dream? And why am I in my bed, in my unburnt house? What's going on?"

"Oh hey there, son!" Richard's dad greeted, "I see you're awake."

"Dad? You're alive? How can that- oh wait. Is this one of those episodes where it's implied that everything the main character experienced wasn't real? Cos isn't it a little bit early for one of those? -And isn't it a little too early for a clip show as well?"

_Richard's dad explains to him that he was apparently chasing after a girl being chased, before falling over a cliff and hitting his head._

"Oh. So Kahlan wasn't real. Even though you've just told me that I was trying to save a girl from a quad of soldiers was real so that should mean that Kahlan's real. Oh well."

* * *

"Oh well? OH WELL?" Kahlan exclaimed at the dreaming Richard.

* * *

"Cheer up, son! I know you're heartbroken that the girl of your dreams was, ahem, literally, of your dreams, but you know what would help? Talking about your adventures!"

George and Michael sit closer to Richard.

"Um, why are you two so interest in what I've been dreaming?" Asked Richard.

His family seemed taken aback by this question.

"Because! It helps the healing process!"

"You know what? I need some fresh air!"

* * *

"Curses!" Swore Darken Rahl, "My plot to find the location of the Box of MacGuffin is not going a smoothly as I planned."

"I did point out that making Richard Cypher believe he had dreamt his adventures and is in a world where everyone is concerned with detail of his dream probably wasn't the best scenario," His wizard Giller reminded him.

"And I remember telling you to shut the Underworld up! I'll just have to see if there's someone from Richard's past that he'll open up to."

* * *

"Hello Richard!" Greeted Zedd, "Interested in telling me about any dreams you might have had?"

"Er, not really AU Zedd."

* * *

"So, Richard," Greeted Chase, "fancy telling me about your dreams?"

"Um, why?" Richard asked.

* * *

"Hey Richard!" Called the little boy with the calf from the pilot episode, "Want to tell me about your dreams?"

"Why is everyone so interested in my dreams?" Richard wondered.

* * *

"Hi Richard!" Greeted the leader of the mob from the second episode, "Everyone's been talking about these dreams you've had. Fancy telling me some including those that revolve certain MacGuffins of power?"

"Wait, who are you again?" Asked Richard.

* * *

"Damn!" Rahl swore, "Not a single one was successful! I must have gone through every character in the pilot and second episode who had a name! And I was so sure that he'd open up to Zedd even in this reality he's just a crazy old man who talks to his chickens!"

"See, here's what I don't get," Giller pointed out, "If you can look into the Seeker's mind, why can't you use the same method in order to find out for yourself where the last Box of MacGuffin is?"

"Because shut up."

"Why is that your answer almost every time I point out a discrepancy in one of your schemes?"

"By this rate I'll end up going through the extras," Rahl muttered.

"-If I may suggest something, Sir. Perhaps you should try a different approach. Instead of adopting the persona of anyone he knows and trusts, maybe you should assume the form of someone who can – seduce him. I'd suggest the girl next door."

"-The girl next to what door?"

"It's an expression, Sir. 'The girl next door' refers to a character that the protagonist grew up with whose platonic feelings grow into romantic ones and is one of the two main cliché love interests in a TV show."

"Really? What's the other one?"

"Exotic hottie from a distant land. Although distant can be as far as around 31.6 miles."

* * *

"Hi, Richard," Greeted Anna, "I heard from your family that you had this dream about being in a fantasy land and you're a little down from it turning out this girl of dreams was literally just of your dreams. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Well I do find it strange how everyone is curious about my dream, but I'm too distracted by your eyes to really think about it."

"(Excellent, mwahahaha!)"

" -What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"Huh. I should find that suspicious, but I'm to preoccupied with your face to give it much thought."

"(Mwahaha.)"

_And so, in the guise of Richard's female lifelong friend, Rahl is successfully able to seduce him._

Richard and Anna move closer to kiss.

"Um, hold that thought," Anna suddenly said, putting her finger to Richard's mouth.

* * *

"If you tell anyone what I'm about to do I will have you flayed and then have the skin reattached inside out!" Rahl threatened Giller.

"My lips are sealed, Sir."

* * *

_And so Richard and Anna kiss._

"Hold on, I just need to use the bathroom!"

And she runs off.

"Why would she need to wash herself?" Richard wonders.

* * *

"Hold the fort!" Rahl tells Giller, running out of the hall. Later he is washing his mouth out from a sink with a mirror in front of him.

"Shudder. I feel so dirty. In ways the viewers don't even know about yet!"

* * *

_Meanwhile in the waking world, Kahlan and Zedd were wondering what to do about Richard._

"This is hopeless!" Wailed Kahlan, "How are we supposed to convince Richard that the world he's experiencing is the dream!"

Commentator: Hmmmm. A protagonist needing to be convinced that his dream of a fantastical world is real and that the real world that he is experiencing is the actual dream. That gives me an idea, hold on I'll be back!

* * *

_Back in Richard's dreamworld, Rahl is about to find out the location of the Box of MacGuffin when-_

"Richard no! Don't do it!" A voice cried out.

"Huh?"

He sees the Commentator with a fourteen year old boy with glasses and a lightning shaped scar.

"Who are you?" He asks.

"My name's Harry Potter," The boy explained, "More specifically, a Harry Potter from Anonymius' 'Goblet of Fire: A different kind of dark lord' novella!"

Commentator: (Mutters) this appearance would have been a lot more significant if the rest was still in script format!

"Don't worry, the Commentator here's explained everything to me!" Harry Potter continued to explain, "Richard, none of this is real! Darken Rahl has trapped you into some imaginary world where you're back home and none of the stuff you went through actually happened!"

"-So, all the fantasy crap is real?"

"Yes!"

" -And this world where it all never happened isn't real?"

"Yes! Look I know how it sounds! I went through the exact same thing last chapter, when an evil dark lord and wizard trapped me into some dream world where it suggested that all the crazy stuff I went through was just a dream! But after that ordeal was over, I realised something!"

"And what's that?"

"Since when are dreams so clear to you and so vivid after you awake as if they were memories?"

Richard's eyes widened in realisation.

"-My spirits you're right! Usually when I wake up, I forget most of the details to my dreams almost immediately unless I write it down! Not to mention that they never make sense once you've woken up or appear as consistent as they did when you were asleep-"

"Richard! Don't listen to him!" Anna screamed, "He doesn't know what he's talking about! And I'm sorry, consistent? One minute your girlfriend suddenly has the power to tell if someone's lying or not, which she didn't have before when you and Griff swapped bodies!"

"-Huh. That's true. Wow. You know, you both make valid arguments. But who to believe, who to believe? This is hard. How did you realise that what you experienced wasn't real?" Richard asked Harry Potter.

"Oh, I jabbed the dark wizard in the eye with a stick," Harry explained.

Richard held up a stick.

"You mean like this?"

And proceeded to jab Anna in the eye with it.

* * *

"AAAAH!" Rahl screamed, clutching his eye, "MY EYE! MY BEAUTIFUL EYE! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW WHAT HE DID WAS POSSIBLE!"

As he clutches his eye Rahl stumbles back toward a puddle of water made after washing his hands.

"No Sir, stop!" Giller yells, running towards him, "If you step back any further, the spell will be broken-"

And Rahl slips on the puddle, falling back.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Giller and Rahl screamed, the latter falling on top of the former.

* * *

"WAH!" Richard yelped, getting up, "Oh, it really was all a dream!"

He looked over at the bank.

"Thanks, Harry Potter!"

"Don't thank me," The boy wizard replied modestly, "Thank the Commentator for letting me know what was happening!"

Commentator: There! Now you owe me your life!

"Now if you'll excuse, I've got to get back home."

And he vanishes.

"-OH MY SPIRITS! I KISSED DARKEN RAHL!"

Richard vomits.

"Shudder. It feels so wrong in ways I don't even know about yet-"

"Look, you can moan about your possibly incestuous relationship with Darken Rahl later," Zedd tells him, "Right now we've got to retrieve that Box of MacGuffin and find a new hiding place for it."

"I guess you're right. Wait. What do you mean by 'possibly incestuous?'"

_And so our heroes manage to retrieve the last Box of MacGuffin. Where will they hide it now? Find out next time on 'Legend Of The Seeker' Abridged (With Commentary)!_

* * *

(Rahl is walking through the castle. He notices a couple of his guards looking at him, before reverting back to their original position)

Rahl: What the?

(Ignoring this, he continues walking. He then comes across more guards sniggering amongst themselves, before catching sight of Rahl and then pretending nothing had happened).

Rahl: Who the?

(Growing more suspicious, Rahl continues to walk through the castle, and sees a bunch of guards sniggering at something they were huddled around.)

Rahl: Where the? Okay seriously what is everyone laughing at?

Guard: Er, nothing.

Rahl: Let me see that, I darken Rahl command you to AAH! Where did you-?

(Rahl hears roars of laughter coming down the corridor. Peeping over a guard's shoulder, he sees them laughing at an image of him making out with an invisible person.)

Rahl: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

Guard: Um, it's been circulating around the castle, Sir. Rumour has it that it was started by some wizard.

Rahl: GILLER, YOU promised that you wouldn't reveal what happened in that hall!

Giller: Correction, Sir, you made me swear never to tell anyone what had happened. And I haven't. But you said nothing about showing people what had occurred.

RahL: But-how did you even-?

Giller: Magic, Sir. What else?

(Rahl's cry of "GILLER!" can be heard throughout the castle.)

* * *

**P.S. I do not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related either.**


End file.
